{"alias":"blogEntry","byline":"","standfirst":"It\u2019s difficult for anyone to be \u2018well behaved\u2019 100% of the time, but particularly tough when we\u2019re stuck inside with each other all day long. Knowing that for some young people, tempers can fray quite quickly, we spoke to authors and educators Paul Dix and No\u00EBl Janis-Norton to get their thoughts on how families can help to promote positive behaviour.","content":{"layouts":[{"type":"singleColumn","areas":[{"items":[{"gridType":"gridImageBlock","gtmId":"gtmId","gtmClass":"gtmClass","image":"/media/6314/advice_5.jpg","width":1920,"height":1080,"altText":"","caption":"","link":null},{"gridType":"RichTextBlock","content":"\u003Cp\u003E\u003Cstrong\u003EWhat\u2019s challenging behaviour?\u003C/strong\u003E\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EFirstly, the term \u2018distressed behaviour\u2019 could be used instead. Challenging behaviour makes the behaviour about the difficulty it places on the adults, while distressed behaviour changes the narrative to focusing instead on the source of the behaviour: the child\u2019s distress. The behaviour ranges across various forms of disruptive or anti-social behaviours, such as physical or verbal abuse, or anything else that presents challenges for an adult (and the child too).\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003E\u003Cstrong\u003EWhy does distressed behaviour happen?\u003C/strong\u003E\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EThere\u2019s no \u2018one cause fits all\u2019 for distress, but the biggest reasons are the most obvious ones: fear, pain or anxiety. If a young person feels afraid, experiences a lot of change, or is being bullied (whether in person or online), then they\u2019ll very quickly become uncomfortable and eventually display this in their behaviour.\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EBeyond the more obvious causes, a lot of challenging behaviour comes from simple curiosity or boredom. All behaviour\u2019s communication; trying to understand the source of the behaviour can help in trying to lessen their distress.\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003E\u003Cstrong\u003EHow can families promote positive behaviour in young people?\u003C/strong\u003E\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EUse descriptive praise and reflective listening. Instead of criticising their behaviour, try to point out specific parts of their behaviour that you want them to keep doing, such as \u2018You didn\u2019t interrupt me,\u2019 or \u2018You were really calm today\u2019.\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EReflective listening has two simple steps: try to understand how your child\u2019s feeling, then speak to them about your understanding of their feelings. This\u2019ll let them feel heard, help them to reflect more deeply on their feelings, and can even strengthen your relationship.\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003E\u003Cstrong\u003EWhat reactions could inadvertently escalate a situation?\u003C/strong\u003E\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003ETutting, eye rolling, crossing your arms, letting your child know \u2018You\u2019ve made me upset or angry\u2019 \u2013 anything that displays your own emotions while ignoring the young person\u2019s can be a bad idea. Your own feelings are (unfortunately) irrelevant to the situation, so as hard as it can be, try to stay neutral. It\u2019ll be easier than trying to pick up the pieces if things go wrong.\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003E\u003Cstrong\u003EHow might our own life experiences affect how we react to distressed behaviour?\u003C/strong\u003E\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EMassively. It\u2019s healthy to be aware that everyone, yourself included, has unconscious biases. When you look at national statistics, for example, more boys than girls are excluded from school: behaviour in boys tends to be louder and more boisterous than behaviour in girls, who can behave just as \u2018badly\u2019, so to speak, but less obviously and prominently than boys. It\u2019s easy to focus on the more obvious behaviour, but not always helpful.\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EThis example focuses on gender biases, but unconscious biases can be specific to specific types of behaviour also; some adults might overreact to being interrupted but remain calm if their children are having a fight between themselves. It\u2019s important to catch these and try to minimise them.\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003E\u003Cstrong\u003EWhat reactions can help to de-escalate a situation?\u003C/strong\u003E\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EOne effective strategy is to speak calmly, away from everyone else, and ask your child, \u2018What\u2019s going on?\u2019 This avoids passing judgement and shows you\u2019re interested in finding out what they\u2019re struggling with. You could also ask them, \u2018How can we move on?\u2019 Most young people are aware of appropriate natural consequences or ways they can restore, rebuild or repair relationships following their actions \u2013 they might suggest apologising or cleaning up a mess they made.\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003EFour useful steps in de-escalation:\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Col\u003E\n\u003Cli\u003EMove nearer to your child; sometimes by simply being closer, they\u2019ll relax their behaviour.\u003C/li\u003E\n\u003Cli\u003EInstruct them to do what you want them to do instead of what you want them to stop doing, ending the instruction with a \u2018please\u2019. Try to avoid repeating yourself.\u003C/li\u003E\n\u003Cli\u003EEither remove an object if that\u2019s the source of the disruption or remove your child from the situation by taking them to the side and allowing them to calm down.\u003C/li\u003E\n\u003Cli\u003EWhen they\u2019ve calmed down, however long it takes, bring up what happened and encourage them to talk about it.\u003C/li\u003E\n\u003C/ol\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003E\u003Cstrong\u003EWhat are the best strategies to use after an incident of very distressed behaviour?\u003C/strong\u003E\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003ERemain calm, acknowledge your child\u2019s distress and try to come with a nice or useful activity for them to do, like helping to make dinner. Make time to \u2018check-in\u2019 with them later on; this can help to make sure they know you\u2019re not holding their behaviour against them. This also offers them a chance to move on and have a fresh start \u2013 we don\u2019t know how long the current situation will last, so it\u2019s better not to hold onto any negative feelings if you can.\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003E\u003Cem\u003EPaul Dix is a best-selling author and educator who focuses on behaviour, and is the \u003C/em\u003E\u003Cem\u003Edirector of behaviour specialists Pivotal Education. His latest book, When the Adults \u003C/em\u003E\u003Cem\u003EChange, Everything Changes, is available in bookshops and online.\u003C/em\u003E\u003C/p\u003E\n\u003Cp\u003E\u003Cem\u003E\u00A0\u003C/em\u003E\u003Cem\u003ENo\u00EBl Janis-Norton is a best-selling author, educator and big fan of Scouts, who \u003C/em\u003E\u003Cem\u003Efocuses on behaviour. She is also the global director of Calmer, Easier, Happier \u003C/em\u003E\u003Cem\u003EParenting and Teaching. Her latest book, Calmer Easier Happier Screen Time, is \u003C/em\u003E\u003Cem\u003Eavailable in bookshops and online.\u003C/em\u003E\u003C/p\u003E","gtmId":"","gtmClass":""}]}],"config":null}]},"searchDescription":null,"pageType":null,"location":null,"versionDate":"18 April 2020","reviewDate":null,"furtherReading":[],"relatedLinks":[],"id":50839,"nodeName":"How to handle challenging behaviour","title":"How to handle challenging behaviour","type":"blogEntry","image":{"url":"/media/6314/advice_5.jpg?width=800\u0026height=450\u0026v=1d9becd0aa61550","caption":"Advice 5","type":"jpg","size":674244,"width":1920,"height":1080,"altText":""},"assets":null,"headerOptions":{"headerTitle":"How to handle challenging behaviour","headerSubTitle":null,"headerCta":null,"headerCtaText":null,"headerCtaLink":null,"headerBackgroundColour":null,"showSEOImage":false,"headerBackgroundImage":null,"quickLinks":null},"subHeader":"","browserTitle":null,"silktide":"eyJjbXMiOiJVbWJyYWNvIiwiZWRpdG9yVXJsIjoiaHR0cHM6Ly9wcm9kLWNtcy5zY291dHMub3JnLnVrLy91bWJyYWNvIy9jb250ZW50L2NvbnRlbnQvZWRpdC81MDgzOSJ9","canonicalUrl":"https://www.scouts.org.uk/news/2020/april/how-to-handle-challenging-behaviour/"}